My whole life I’ve used anything I could to cope with the feeling of being uncomfortable. I hated the feeling of being uncomfortable. I’ve had multiple ways to escape the feeling in the past. Being around a lot of people I don’t know, dive head first into my iPhone and get lost in social media. The thought of letting someone in too close, hit them with that Heisman stiff arm. Catching myself in a situation where I’m supposed to act professional, become a jester. And sometimes I would do it without even thinking. Shutting down emotionally, jumping into my favorite Apple Music playlist, coming across as super arrogant (Kanye West didn’t have anything on me), isolating from the rest of the world, making excuses why I can’t come through on a commitment I’ve made to someone, and my number one go to for many years, Oxycontin and heroin. Not only do opiates kill physical pain, but they also eliminate emotional and mental pain.
One thing I heard early on in my road to recovery was you have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Yea, no thanks, I’m good on that. I mean, what does that even mean? I didn’t have a clue at the time, but I think those words stuck with me because it sounded like such a paradox. Then things started to happen around me. A buddy from church, Carlos, invited me to a cookout at his house. There were about fifteen other peers from the church there, all of us engaging with stuffing our faces with burgers and side dishes. Eventually everyone there made it to the living room, and Carlos realizing I was the newb to the group said, “David, why don’t you share your story, your testimony, with everyone”.
Wow, nothing goes better in regards to a first impression than sharing with a group of sold out Jesus followers that you had just ended a long, serious relationship with heroin.
My mind was paralyzed by the feeling of being uncomfortable. It was deeper than that though. What was at the the root of that was fear? Fear of judgement, fear of rejection, low self-esteem, low self-worth. All of those things were what created that feeling of being uncomfortable. And it left me in the same place that I had been for so long, paralyzed while life passed me by. I got to a place in my recovery where I was tired of letting fear of judgement, and rejection keep me in a place of idleness. I wanted to, and was ready to break free from that mental slavery. And the thing about the prison that I put myself in inside of my head was the prison door inside my mind was not locked. I had the choice to walk out and leave that place. Freedom was on the other side. I just had to kick the door in. Kick the door, ya dig?
So I made a choice, a choice to embrace the uncomfortable feeling, to take it head on. To not go to anything to cope with the feeling, but to wear it. To let it pulse through my veins, and dance throughout my mind. And in doing so a new boldness came over me. I realized that I could take on the feeling without fear. That it’s okay to feel uncomfortable. Because you come out the other side a little braver. A little more confident. And each time the feeling of being uncomfortable came over me I was able to walk through it a little easier. Slowly the fear disappeared. That root that was so deeply running throughout my heart and mind was being uprooted, until it was no longer there. What I learned was that taking on those feelings head on is what made me grow the most. That in that doubt, in that fear, in those moments, I grew even more. That’s life.
David is a graduate of His Way, and a current staff member. To read more from David, visit his personal blog: